"...in righteousness based on the law I was blameless. But whatever gains I had, these I have come to consider a loss because of Christ. More than that, I even consider everything as a loss because of the supreme good of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord." Philippians 3:6-8

I believe in myself more than anyone could; in short, I am overconfident and proud of myself. There are times when I thought that maybe I'm a narcissist because I love myself too much (ex. I often watch myself singing and get engrossed by it over and over, sometimes I stare at my picture and say "Damn, I'm so cute! My god!"). Most of the time, due to the compliments I receive from others, I feel validated and assured that I'm doing a good job. Then I tell myself, "See, you really are awesome and great! There's nobody like you!" Like Paul, I have all the proof to show that I'm doing the right thing - training, experience, credentials - it's all there. I am blameless. I can justify why I can act this way.

And this right here is a side of me that people cannot see. This is the dark side of me. Yes, I do not see it as something I can be proud of. Like what they say, too much is dangerous. I am too confident of myself, that I feel I can control everything. What's worse is I get frustrated and shut down if things aren't going my way. I'm playing god here; and it's not a good thing.

Despite all these things, let me tell you a secret. I feel empty and I consider myself fake. There was a point in my life when I asked myself, "Who are you?"; because what I say and how I act do not match. Even if those were correct and objective, there's no meaning in it.

What happens next is very sad; I turned to God because I had no choice. Don't get me wrong. I am glad I turned to Him, and I am 100% sure He is too, but for me I felt bad for Him because He was my last option. I felt ashamed. But I can't lie no longer. I am already at a point when I can't recognize myself anymore and the only way I can know the answer is my Creator, my Father. 

Then it all fell into place. God embraced me and forgave me for my pride. He reminded me that I am what I am because He wanted me to. He gave me confidence, intellect, talents and relationships as gifts in this life. And these gifts are to be used to love and to serve. Not to brag, not to be arrogant but to love and serve Him and others. So the credentials, the compliments and the success; these are nothing. It is a loss, as Paul said, because there is something far more greater happiness and fulfillment out there; and that is in God's love, in His embrace.

Lord, I am glad I turned to you during my darkest days. You are indeed my Savior. From that day, You continued to carry me in your shoulders and guide me in this life You gave. I am not worthy of this life, with all the decisions I have made from the past to now; but You entrusted me with this. Because You said so, I will do my best to serve You and other people.